


Cuffing The Jeans (While Hoping Bruce Catches On)

by TwistedToxic



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alfred is lowkey god, Also Tim is trans, And you can pry that from my cold dead hands, Author Is Sleep Deprived, BUT BEAR WITH ME ON THIS, Bisexual Chaos, Bruce is kinda oblivious, Bruce is so done with his kids, Coming Out, Crack, Duke deserves a medal for living with these people, Everyone is lowkey a dumbass, Except Duke and Cass, Gen, I think I need help after this, Jason Todd is a little shit, Like very sleep deprived, Okay let's be real here they all are, RIP the Manor's toaster, THE RETURN OF ADOPTED STEPH, There's like a dash of angst, This is nothing but crack, This isn't exactly in character but, Transphobia mention, but I mean he has every right to be, everyone else has to share the braincell, everyone is bi, everyone is so dramatic, except Cullen, in by far one of the worst (best) ways possible, it's crack so I mean there's a little leeway there, it's pretty much 99.9 percent crack here though, it's very brief though, or is he...?, pee jokes, sibling shenanigans, why be in character when you get siblings being bastards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25005784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedToxic/pseuds/TwistedToxic
Summary: "Hey, B!" Dick said through a mouthful of spoon. Alfred would have a stroke if he saw Dick do that in this household. Jason was on his phone, and Bruce could only wonder what he was going to do to fuck with someone. Jason was tapping his foot, no doubt to a song he'd probably heard earlier. New shoes? He looked to Dick.When did they get Converse?"I think he's having a stroke." Jason said. Bruce looked at his sons and offered a dry chuckle.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 106





	Cuffing The Jeans (While Hoping Bruce Catches On)

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys think this is in any way serious, then let me stop you there right now. I don't blame you for thinking it, but this is the furthest thing from serious. This beautiful little dumpster fire was conjured up by 2 AM me. There is literally no excuse for this other than the fact I was bored and running on zero hours of sleep. This is literally nothing but crack.
> 
> They're all bi in this (except Cullen) just for convenience, so everyone's bisexuality might conflict with how I actually headcanon them. I just wanted 3000 words of jeans-cuffing bisexual chaos. This was going to be longer, but smart brain kicked in around 8 AM and if I didn't stop, it would have gained something of a legitimate plot and that's not allowed here.
> 
> For the record, the entire Batfam (excluding Cass and Duke) pretty much have to share a single braincell in this fic because apparently, that's funny to me. A small warning though, since there's a few pee jokes since 2 AM me is the epitome of a child, so it exists here.
> 
> Also, DC should hire me because I am already retconning my own shit now. Everyone is older, except Damian who I still see as 14, thank you, haha.
> 
> So, please enjoy this, aka the 'how I try to drop hints to people' crackfic. Nothing like writing nothing but pain, and then... This happens.

It was a sunny day in Gotham- Yeah _right_. Sunny days in Gotham were non-existent, like Santa Claus, or Australia. It was like saying there were ever any normal days in the manor. Not when you had... How many kids now? 9? 10? _Hell, 15?_ Bruce honestly didn't know anymore. A kid could just walk in and he'd be sure he adopted them years ago. He'd lost count after Stephanie, and sometimes, he regretted all of his life choices with his adoption problem. Normal people got addicted to drugs or booze, but no, Bruce's was... Adopting orphans.

Speaking of which, Bruce perked up from his work. Usually, one of them, usually Tim, was yelling at someone else for breaking something, probably Jason. No, it was oddly quiet. It was that kind of quiet that meant the kids were planning on something, or did something. Silence was golden, but not when you had this many kids. it only meant that they were scheming.

_And scheming they were._

* * *

It was another meeting with the Queer Robins Club - promptly renamed the Queer Waynes Club. Which included every last child of Bruce's. Jason smacked a prop gun on the floor of the treehouse like he was a judge with an unruly court.

"Queer Waynes meeting now in session!" Jason yelled.

"Silence, you fool. Father does not know we are here!"

"Wait, wasn't it Queer Waynes Club in session?" Tim asked, holding his coffee like a lifeline.

"I'm the one with the prop gun so therefore, I have ultimate authority." Jason pointed it at Tim and pressed the trigger, which went off with an electronic and clearly unrealistic _'bang'_. That wasn't even close to how a real gun sounds, but _nice_ , he startled Tim into spilling some of his coffee. Tim offered an indignant squawk and flipped off Jason. Oh well, he'd 'accidentally' spill his coffee on Jason to make it look like he peed his pants.

"Pee your pants, Jason." Stephanie said with a snort.

"It looks like Tim peed his." Jason's face turned into that one unsettling grin he liked using on them. Dick, ever the voice of reason, gave them the Batglare he flawlessly learned from Bruce. The trio instantly shut up, aside from Jason banging the gun like a gavel again.

"Our order of business is..." Jason's expression turned grim. "Coming out to Bruce. You'd think after I put up a fucking bi pride flag in my room, Bruce would catch on since he's so smart. Apparently, the world's greatest detective... Is a _dumbass_."

"You think _that's_ bad, Jason? He saw my trans flag and thought it was a new country, Jason. A country. I had to sit him down to explain that to him what it meant and answer several thousand questions like when he tried giving me the birds and the bees talk-"

"That is important, Drake. Bees are at a risk of extinction!" Jason almost choked.

"Oh, you poor, sweet summer child." Jason shook his head with a mockingly distressed sigh.

"Jay, if you tell lil' D, I swear-"

"Nah, Bruce will traumatize him plenty when he talks to him about it."

"Bold of you to assume he will, Jay." Tim shot back. "You got out of it scott-free."

"First of all, fuck you. Second of all, fuck you again. Third, I was literally dead, so shut up." Cass took the gun from Jason, who glared at her. She offered a triumphant smirk.

"We come out. How should we?" Duke looked at the rest of his family like they were escaped lunatics from Arkham.

"Why don't we just, you know, tell him? It sounds like it's the only way to get the point across."

"Duke, there's no fun in that." Stephanie whined, looking at him with the eyes that begged him to change his mind.

All of their heads snapped in the direction of their two other siblings, who were late.

"I literally just told him I was gay. It's not that hard." Cullen spoke up, to which Jason hissed at him and his sister.

"It's the out ones, you fucking _traitors_." Harper flipped him off. "Can we kick them out? They're already out."

"No, Jason." Dick sighed. "They're like the rest of us."

"Wouldn't that be homophobic?" Tim asked.

"They're gay too, they're not special." Cass tapped the gun on the floor to bring everyone to attention again.

"Bold of you to assume I want any part in this." Cullen said, sitting next to Stephanie, while Harper sat next to Cass. Cass shot everyone a look. Damn, at this rate, she'd be the next Alfred.

_"Coming out to Bruce."_ She repeated. Jason raised his hand like he was a little kid trying to tell the teacher something. Cass couldn't help a titter of laughter.

"Decorate his office with glitter?"

"That's stupid, Jason."

"Steph, I will eat your fucking waffles." Steph make a face of horror.

"How _dare_ you." She hissed, before turning back to Cass. "Sorry, he's an idiot. He died so he doesn't have braincells anymore." Jason glared.

"I'm telling you guys. we should just tell Bruce." Of course, nobody would really listen. No, he should go back to that thought that they were Arkham inmates. Maybe it would make his siblings' _combined negative braincells_ easier to deal with.

"Okay, we could do that. Or, we could do a classic staple: we cuff our jeans." Jason looked at her, eyes wide.

"That's actually fucking genius, Steph." He said.

"Thanks. We all know I have the braincell."

"Wait, no, it's my turn, Steph." Tim whined.

"I'll dump the rest of your fucking coffee on you then tell Bruce you peed your pants."

"STOP!" Tim whined. "This is the third time."

"That you peed your pants?" Tim sighed.

"Go die again, Jason. Please, I'm begging you."

"Then I'm taking you with me." Jason grinned and raised his fist. Tim screamed.

"If you hit me, it's homophobic!"

"I'M GAY TOO, BITCH YOU'RE NOT FUCKIN' SPECIAL!" Dick pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Both of you, STOP IT! You're acting like five year olds!" He yelled. Jason put his hand down and Tim leaned in.

"Looks like it's his turn with the braincell." Jason and Tim devolved into fits of giggles. Dick sighed. Why did he ever want siblings? He shouldn't have said he felt lonely as Robin. Now he had to deal with this. How the hell was Cass so unbothered by this? She's dealt with them for far less time he has.

"All in favor of the cuffing of jeans?" Cass asked. Everyone but Dick, Duke, and Cullen raised their hands.

"Lower your hand, Row. You have been out for some time." Harper flipped off Damian.

"I cuff my jeans anyways."

"I still think we should just come out." Duke chimed in again.

"I just want nothing to do with this." Cullen looked to his sister who seemed very enthusiastic about the concept, being out of the closet be damned.

"We cuff our jeans. We have settled."

Duke sighed. Maybe Bruce could unadopt him? _There had to be a receipt, right?_

* * *

What were those damn kids planning? Bruce looked out the window, and saw every last one of them filing out of a treehouse. Wait, when was there a treehouse here? They were too calm, too... Peaceful. Peaceful was not a concept here, so what the fuck did they do? Nothing was telling except...

They were all laughing amongst themselves. Did Damian adopt another badger? Did they crash one of his cars? Why were Tim's pants wet? More importantly, what did Jason do? Usually, it was Jason behind most of their shenanigans. What did he do this time that he got them in on? Did he spray paint the Batmobile again? Are they going to reenact his death again? Jason, for some morbid reason, liked doing that.

"Master Bruce, whatever it is, you will put an end to it before anything can escalate."

"I hope so, because they're all in on it, Alfred."

* * *

Bruce, in his never-ending quest to figure out what the bastards he called his darling children were up to, he ran into Dick and Jason. Wasn't Dick wearing shorts when he came from the treehouse? Jason always wore jeans, but... _Where did the flannel around his waist come from?_ He did a double take. It was abnormal to see them both acting so... _Normal_. Bruce was going to nip this in the bud.

"Hey, B!" Dick said through a mouthful of spoon. Alfred would have a stroke if he saw Dick do that in this household. Jason was on his phone, and Bruce could only wonder what he was going to do to fuck with someone. Jason was tapping his foot, no doubt to a song he'd probably heard earlier. New shoes? He looked to Dick.

_When did they get Converse?_

"I think he's having a stroke." Jason said. Bruce looked at his sons and offered a dry chuckle.

"You wish, Jay." Jason's face turned into one of utter confusion.

"Wait, did tall, mysterious, and brooding make a _joke_?" Jason asked, running a hand through his hair, playing with the skunk stripe before looking at Dick with a grin. "Maybe we should call Leslie." Dick snorted, before he caught him looking at their shoes.

"Oh! Like our shoes, B? It's part of the b-" Jason slapped a hand over his mouth. B? B what? Tim would probably know. He'd probably talk before everyone else. _It was a calculation Bruce was willing to go with._

* * *

_But boy, was he bad at math._ Tim was wearing a flannel like Jason, except he was actually wearing it, the sleeves cuffed, and Steph was sitting on the couch next to him, a case in hand. When was Steph into wearing denim jackets? Why did they both have cuffed jeans and Converse on? What did Jason _do_ to them?

"Hey! We're looking over the case you gave to us, and I think Tim found a potential lead!" Steph offered with a chipper smile on her face, like nothing was wrong. Tim looked... Rested, somewhat. If anybody had worse sleeping habits than Bruce, it was Tim.

"That's good news, but I was wondering if I could borrow your brother for a second." Steph nodded.

"Sure!" Tim let out an indignant whine. He didn't want to get up. Now or ever. Tim peered up at Bruce.

"Can Steph stay?" Bruce thought about it.

"Unfortunately, no." Tim let out another disgruntled noise before he shoved himself to his feet.

"Is there something wrong, B?" Tim asked, going into the kitchen where his older brothers still resided. Jason grinned at Tim's coffee maker. Bruce caught said grin.

_"What did you do?"_

"Nothin' at all, B." Stephanie popped back in.

"Ooh, what's Jason in trouble for _this_ time?" Steph asked. "Can I join in on the nefarious plan, Hood?" She watched Tim pour the coffee and come back over to Bruce. He took a sip, which only made Jason snicker louder. The second Bruce pulled Tim into the other room, Jason grins at Steph, an evil twinkle in his eyes. "No." She said, beginning to laugh. _"Decaf?"_ She whispered before she watched him nod.

Tim heard Dick say something about Tim's coffee, then whining and yelling from Jason and Steph.

"What are you doing, Tim?"

"Did I do something?"

"You've never dressed like... _This_ before."

"It's just a new look, B. Don't you like it?"

"It looks interesting, yes, but why are three of your siblings wearing the same look?" Oh fuck, how was Tim going to get out of this one? _Oh god, oh fuck-_

"Bruce!" Steph screamed from the kitchen, just as the fire alarm began going off from the kitchen. _"The toaster exploded again!"_

* * *

Bruce was helping Alfred scrub the walls, about to have a crisis the second he saw Cass and Duke, both with cuffed jeans and Converse, both sporting flannels.

"Alfred, they're all wearing the same thing. Damian's my only hope. Surely, he wouldn't subscribe to this?"

"Master Bruce, they will eventually get bored of this, now please stop going on about their nonsense and finish scrubbing."

"Hey!" Duke greeted, looking at the black stains on the walls and counter. " _Woah!_ What happened there?"

"That would be a question for Miss Stephanie to answer." Alfred replied, just when Steph happened to walk back into the room. Steph offered a grin.

"What happened?" Cass asked, observing the clear lack of a toaster where one was, and by the look on Steph's face, she was the reason it was gone. "Stephanie. Please tell me otherwise." Steph's grin widened. "Not _again..._ "

"Okay, look. It isn't my fault that somehow a tine of a plastic fork got in there, followed by an actual fork."

"How does one get a _fork_ in?"

"I can't answer that one, Cass." Steph laughed. "Not even I'm that much of a disaster." Duke raised his brows.

"Doubtful, considering this-" he points to his jeans. "Was your idea." Wait, Steph was the one behind the whole 'flannel, Converse, and jeans' thing?' Bruce opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn't find words. _Well, beat him with a crowbar and call him Jason Todd!_ No, no, it was adding up now. Steph was more of the subtle fuckery sort.

"Father!" Damian yelled, storming down the stairs with Harper in pursuit, cuffed jeans and Converse on. "Row has startled Alfred again!"

"It was an accident!"

Bruce looked like he was going to faint. He had a lot of research to do.

* * *

He looked at everyone at the dinner table. All cuffed jeans and Converse. How the _hell_ did Steph talk Damian of all people into this?! After he looked it up, and had a rather interesting talk with Barry, he felt like he could approach them.

"Master Jason! Miss Stephanie! Please remove your feet from the table!" Jason forgot he wasn't in his safehouse, where he was free to put his feet anywhere he liked.

"Sorry, God." Jason and Steph both muttered, while Tim looked at them, trying to contain his laughter.

"God?" Tim asked.

"Are we wrong, though?" Stephanie countered. Tim shut up and nodded, looking at the food on his plate. Bruce grabbed their attention with the clearing of his throat. It was that _'we need to talk'_ throat clearing only Bruce did when he was about to enter Dad Mode. The scraping of utensils upon the dishes came to a halt.

"I did some... _Research._ " Bruce started. How the hell was he supposed to approach all of his kids about this? Why didn't they just tell him? Cullen was the one to look at him.

"Yeah?" Tim also looked at him. _So, Bruce figured it out._

"Please tell me this wasn't like when I came out." Tim was about to curl up and die if it was. That talk was _fun_ to explain to Bruce. At least he never asked about his deadname or asked about any surgeries. Tim shuddered, because other people, he wasn't so lucky with. If his brother who was currently trying to kill him at the time could respect his fucking gender, why couldn't actually sane people respect it?

"No, of course not, Tim. I looked up all the possible questions I could." He said. "My point is, are you trying to tell me you happen to be bisexual?" He asked, before he heard a deafening chorus of six children all confirming it.

"Told you we should have just told him." Duke said. Tim made a face. On the one hand, it would have been less of a hassle, but on the other hand, Bruce probably would have had many questions. Cullen nodded in agreement with Duke.

" _Surprised_ , old man?" Jason asked. Bruce looked him dead in the eyes.

"I've had my suspicions with you, Jason." The sound of Dick choking could be heard from next to him. Tim burst into laughter.

"Holy shit, you're actually that obvious!" Jason flipped off Steph and sunk into his seat.

"Any questions to ask?" Cass asked him.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, Duke wanted to, but Steph suggested we all cuff our jeans." Dick said after regaining his composure.

"At least it wasn't covering Bruce's office in glitter." Jason glared at Steph again.

"I was with Thomas. As _idiotic_ as everyone is, Thomas had a point."

"Oh _shut up_ , you raised your hand!" Tim yelled. Jason looked at Bruce.

"So, when did you figure it out?"

"When I asked about Tim's flag in his room. I did more research and came across LGBT pride flags and noticed the flag was for bisexuality in your room." Jason was now the one who wanted to curl up and die this time. _He knew this whole fucking time._ "I wanted to bring it up, but you were... Less than completely there, so I decided that if you wanted to tell me, then you would."

"So, Father, are you angry at us?" Bruce looked at his youngest, then across to his other children.

"Of course not. While I wish you would have directly told me, I understand people come out in different ways, and you decided to do it this way." He said, no matter how much their method of coming out confused the hell out of him. "I'm really happy you wanted to tell me at all." They saw it: one of Bruce's rare smiles. No smirk behind it like usual. It was a genuine, wholehearted smile. "I'm so proud of you." He said. Steph grinned. "You still need to replace the toaster, Stephanie." Steph's smile dropped and turned into a whine. "I am very proud, yes, but you also caused a toaster to _explode_." He decided to pop the other question. "So, are any of you seeing anyone?"

Jason, Tim, and Steph began to choke this time along with Dick, before they went back to dinner in silence and avoided eye contact like the plague. What an end to an already eventful day, and his kids weren't planning chaos for once. _Enjoy it while it lasts, Bruce. Enjoy it while it lasts_ , because it looks like he had four asses to kick.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't deserve rights after this. Someone stop me before I infect my other fics with 2 AM dumbass energy. Twisted should no longer have author rights, please kill me where I stand, haha. I understand the mistaking a Pride flag for a country kind of seems out there, but that was a legitimate thing with someone I knew. Also, in most of my fics, I see Tim as trans but I just don't mention it. There's also going to be a more serious fic with Tim explaining being trans to Bruce.
> 
> Even though this was... What it is (a dumpster fire with nuclear waste thrown in, but this time, it's intentional), I hope you enjoyed reading this, and please let me know if you need tags added. Thanks for reading!
> 
> What a way to end Pride Month. I promise I'll continue working on my (legitimate) coming out series though!


End file.
